1999 Only , Is this Just a Coincidence.... !!!!

The MidAir Awakening...

That morning was different - I wasn’t happy about coming back home from Mumbai to Delhi. I didn’t want to face reality, didn’t want to get into the “Chik-Chik” of everyday life again, I was so happy in Mumbai that I dreaded going back to Delhi.  Right now I was sitting on my seat on an airplane bound for home, and all I wanted was that my plane should crash!

This thought was so strong that it captivated my entire concentration. I was glad that my brother had come to drop me at the Domestic Airport in Mumbai. His random conversations about a type of footwear Wedges and how odd they looked, and how he was glad (i got a +2) that I was not wearing such footwear keep me entertained. At the security check-in counter, he looked at an information board which was a little far from us and said “tumhara flight ka abhi security check dikha raha hai.” I tried to gaze at the same board but it was unclear to me without my specs. I asked him “itna durr se lauk raha hai tumko , humko to nai dikh raha.” He bursted into laughter and I smiled. The boarding started and said bye to my brother, the thought of heading home still hitting my head.

 I boarded the plane and took my seat - a window seat. After the initial formalities the flight took off and was in the air. I was reading the book “Through Time Into Healing” and suddenly the flight started shaking badly due to Turbulent weather. At 35000 ft above the ground the ground seemed to slip from underneath my feet. I was thinking – was this happening because I had wished for it?  Within a few second, everyone was screaming and praying to be saved while I was sitting quietly. People looked at me with angry expressions as if all this was my fault and all I wanted to do as the plane was about to crash, was run away from their piercing eyes.

Next moment, something amazing happened! I left the plane and was flying like a free bird, before leaving one final look to the girl sitting on seat 5F. I went to my mother to see her and tell her how much I love her. I saw her sitting with her friends and chatting (about me I guess). She looked happy until my father switched on the television. Then, she broke into tears and tried calling me continuously. Though my phone was switched off, I could feel it vibrating in my pocket. I picked it up and said “hello maa, hum theek hain, yahi hain tumhare pass,” but she couldn’t hear me. She was not ready to believe that I was dead. I saw her sob uncontrollably; even my Father’s eyes were wet, for the first time after my grandmother’s death. Both of them were trying my number, my brother’s number but they couldn’t reach out to us.

Suddenly, my parents disappeared and I was with my better half, staring at him. He was talking to a small kid that I didn’t recognize. But he was laughing and happy. That moment, I fell in love with him again. I went with him wherever he went. I went to Harley Davidson showroom to see the bike we both liked. I saw myself sitting with him and our kids, I was cutting their nails. Three kids and a child like husband are difficult to handle, but I would not have it any other way.

Then, I saw myself go to my village - so many children were waiting for me to come and open the school for them. I saw some aged and sick people waiting for me to get them the medical aid. I sat with my grandparents under the mango tree in the compound of their house. They were looking healthier and happier than before. Dadi fed me my favorite chini ki roti.

Then my phone rang again, this time is was my brother. I picked up his call but couldn't speak to him. I went to him and saw him worried about me. His Harvard offer letter was in his hand, but I wasn’t there with him. He was still trying to pretend that I was still alive so that he could share this day with me. While walking down the stairs of his flat I saw guard bhaiya reading a newspaper where the news of the crash was the main headline.

Realizing what all I had left behind I went to the debris of the plane and tried finding parts of myself. I found my half burnt body and told it to wake up and return to the real world. I shook myself to wake up and wished to Un-Wish of the plane crash. But my body just stood there lifeless.

I started to cry, when my head banged into something and I got up with a start. "Welcome to Delhi's Indira Gandhi International Airport" beamed the voice of the Air Hostes. “Outside temperature is 35°C. You can collect your luggage from the conveyor belt no 7.” What an amazing dream I thought – I had slept myself into a new awakening. 

When I was kid

When I was kid, a little kid. I used to fly like butterfly, around my grandpa .Watching him gardening. One day, I saw a new plant in the flower bed , and saw my grandpa slowly singing and nurturing that plant as he does with me.  I felt jealous why someone else is getting my attention. I started hating that plant. Every day secretly I went to that plant and started saying, I hate you plant. I don’t like you.Since the day you have came to my garden, the things have changed.Other plants are unhappy too. You made this garden unhappy. As a kid I never realized that the plant had a heart too. Slowly that plant started dying. I saw my grandpa worrying.  One day he saw me talking rudely to that plant.  He asked me calmly why you are so angry on this plant. I said this is a bad plant, it makes everyone unhappy. See other plants are unhappy too because of this. You also started changing and giving my attention to this plant only. In fact everyone
in the family does so. This plant doesn’t even give us flower or fruits. He took me into his lap, smiled and said. Beta, this is a baby plant. A new member of our garden family. I give more attention to this because this little plant has left its own garden, family and friends. It needs to be nurtured more than any other plant. Its our responsibility to make this plant feel home, to love it unconditionally without thinking about its flower or fruit. Then one day this will grow and return our love and care in form of, shadow,flower, fruit and oxygen.  He asked me now will you take care of this plant? I nodded my head without understanding the meaning of what all he said. I started watering that plant but didn’t stop my bad words.It died one day and I was confused whether to be happy or sad.Wondering   why it died when I watered it every day. Then slowly when I grew up understood the meaning of each word he said to me when I was a kid.

please let me go…

If you can't accompany till infinity …then please let me go…

Sleep on the fire and in the holy river let me flow…

Every breath has become heavy and the time is moving so slow…

I wanted to live, to enjoy, to rejoice and to glow…

Every day i am sinking, going nearer to the end…

The warmth has gone, am as cold as snow…

Every day the sun is setting a little early …

Life has came to a halt, there’s nothing more to grow…

Every day the night is becoming a little longer…

I don’t know till when I have to pay and how much I owe…

Now there is no hope on the horizon, can’t handle this pain…

Want to rest in peace… please let me go…

i don't know what's going on...

i don’t know what is driving me insane
I am not liking it at all
it’s not about you or anything specific...
just feeling that a day went into vain

why the world went so silent
I am waiting to listen my own voice.
It seems everything is different
But they said nothing has changed

for no reason for no mistake
the punishment persists of being a girl
my everyday goes looking at walls
why I have become unresponsive to calls
there is a lot more left to repay the Owes

there is lot more to be rearranged

is breathing only is living

what is this all what life is giving

am i suppose to live like this

or is there's someone who will understand my pain..

the discussion is endless, path is uncertain and the destination
is unclear.

just moving like that trying to walk away from my own shadow
i don't know where i am going.

i don't know what's going on...

याद है...

तेरा मुझे बेवज़ह देख के मुस्कुराना याद है
देर रात बिना बात के घंटों बातें बनाना याद है
हूँ मैं भी खूबसूरत , तेरा हल पल मुझे ये एहसास दिलाना याद है
भूल सारे अफसाने , अपने प्यार का तराना गाना याद है
याद है हर किया हुआ वादा
पल जो बचे थे उन पलों से लम्हे चुराना याद है
याद है वो तेरा मेरा बिना बहाने हाथ थामना
तेरा वो हर दिन मेरी राह देखना याद है
याद है वो मेरे लिए यूँ ही फूल लाना
तेरा मेरी ख़ामोशी को भी समझना याद है
याद है मेरी एक मुस्कराहट के लिए कुछ भी कर गुजरने का जज्बा
मेरे हर दर्द को तेरा अपना समझना याद है.
मैं तो कुछ भी नहीं भूली , पर क्या तुम्हे साथ बीताई कोई बात याद है ?

लगता है सर्दियाँ आ गई है

धुंद की चादर बिछने लगी ...
खिड़कियाँ फिर से बंद होने लगी  ...
लगता है सर्दियाँ आ गई है ...
मुन्ग्फलियो की खुशबु फिर से हवाओं में है ...
मकई के लावे फिर से चटखने  लगे ...
लगता है सर्दियाँ आ गई है ...
आलस ने फिर से घेर लिया ...
जमे से हाथ पाओं फिर से सिकुड़ने लगे ...
लगता है सर्दियाँ आ गई है ...
दिन की घड़ियाँ फिर से कम होने लगी ...
रात के पल फिर से लम्बे होने लगे ...
लगता है सर्दियाँ आ गई है ...

टुकड़ा टुकड़ा ज़िन्दगी !!!!

>कोई कहता है काशी में रहता है ...
कोई कहता है मस्जिदों में रहता है ...
मुझे तो बस इतना पता है...मेरा मंदिर , मस्जिद तो वहाँ है...
जहाँ मेरा ख़ुदा रहता है ... 

  >मेरी ख़ामोशी जो तू सुन पाए तो क्या बात हो...
मेरी आरज़ू में तू  मचल जाये तो क्या बात हो...
मैंने कर लिया बहुत प्यार तुझसे ...
मेरे इंतज़ार में अब तू रातें बिताये तो क्या बात हो ....  

    >कुछ छोटी छोटी ख्वाहिशे रह जाती है ...
                  कुछ खट्टी मीठी यादें रह जाती हैं ...
                  बहुत बातें करते है हर रोज़ तुमसे ...
                  फिर भी कहने को कुछ बातें रह जाती है ...


 > बन के ख़ाब जो तू मेरी आखों में उतर जाये तो क्या हो ?
बन के प्यार की सौगात ये शब् बरस जाये तो क्या हो?
यु तो तेरा मिलना मुझसे मुमकिन नही इस जहा में...
बन के जिन्गदी जो उस जहा में तू मिल जाये तो क्या हो?



  >बहुत दर्द , बहुत कसक थी जीने में तुझे देखा तो भूल गये , मेरा गम क्या था !!!



                     >अकेले कहा हो तुम , हम साथ चले है
                      खुशियाँ बाटी है तो आशु भी साथ बहे है
                      फीकी ज़िन्दगी कैसे हो सकती है तुम्हारी
                     तुम्हारी ज़िन्दगी में मैंने अपने ख्वाबो के रंग भरे हैं

>हम मंजिलो तक चलने का वादा करते है
तू अगर बस दो कदम साथ दे दे
सारे फासले मिटाने का वादा करते है
तू अगर मेरे हाथो में अपना हाथ दे दे

         > चाहो तो किस्मत भी बदलती है ...
            मांगने से तो रातों में भी रौशनी बरसती है...
             छु के आज मुझे भी कोई रूप दे दो ...
             सुना है तेरे छूने से मिटटी भी मूरत में बदलती है !!!

                    >जीते हम नही , तो मरा तुम भी करते हो...
                      सुलगते हम है , तो जला तुम भी करते हो...
                      मोहब्बत दोनों के दिल में है लेकिन फर्क बस इतना है...
                       की इश्क हम तुमसे , तुम किसी और से करते हो !!!

>बस तुझे पाने की हसरत की थी ...
तेरे साथ ज़िन्दगी बिताने की चाहत की थी ....
क्या मैंने कुछ ज्यादा माँगा था ...
की खुदा ने मुझसे मेरा सब कुछ छीन लिया !!!!

                                 >गयी तेरी बातें मुझे ऐसे बाँट के...
                             बस दो ही पल तो हम साथ थे..
                             फिर तेरे प्यार में इसे बहे हम...
                             कि हम ना घर के रहे ना घाट के .!!!!

>खुद की तलाश में भटकते रहे हम यहा से वहा
चले थे कहा से कहा को , और पहुंचे कहा
सोचा था मंदिरों , मश्जिदो में कही खुदा मिल जायेगा
और देख मेरी किस्मत ने मुझे तुझ से मिला दिया !!!

                         >जब लब हो खामोश , निगाहें बात करती हैं
                          मेरी तनहईयों तेरी सादएं बात करती है
                         समझ सको तो समझो मेरी खामोसी को
                        मुहोब्बत की ये एक अलग ज़ुबान होती है 

>ये दिल , ये कम्बखत हर वक़्त परेशान करता है ...
जाने क्यों ये बस तुम से प्यार करता है ...
जो कभी इसे मिल नही सकता ...जाने क्यों ये उसी एक चीज़ की तलाश करता है !!! >सफ़र है तो मंजिलें भी मिलेंगी ...
एक बार मंजिलों का फैसला तो कर के देखो...
सारी मुश्किलें आसन हो जाएँगी...
एक बार दिल से हौसला कर के तो देखो!!!   >खुद मर्ज़ दे के पूछते है , बता तेरे दर्द की वज़ह क्या है....
क्यों है इतना परेशान ए नादान , बता तेरे इस मर्ज़ की दवा क्या है ...                                         

तेरा साथ !!!!

लोग कहते है मुझे पागल, कोई मुझसे पूछे तो बताऊँ उन्हें मैं ...

तेरी खुशबू को सांसो में बसा के जीने का मज़ा ही कुछ और है।

वो तो रहते है अपने ही धुन में खोये कही , उन्हें कौन बताये

तेरी यादों में गुम होने का मज़ा ही कुछ और है

करते होंगे वो कीमती नशा ,महंगी दुकानों से , कौन बताये उन्हें

तेरी आँखों से नशा करने का मज़ा ही कुछ और है।

वो जलते है दुनिया की भीड़ में एक तिनका बनके , कौन समझाए उन्हें

तेरी तनहाइयों में कतरा कतरा पिघलने का मज़ा ही कुछ और है .

वो दिलाते है भरोसा आपने हुनर का , कोई कैसे कहे उनसे

तेरी यकीन पे यकीन करने का मज़ा ही कुछ और है।

वो गिर जाते है रोशनी में भी चलते हुए , कोई बता दे उन्हें

तेरी परछईयों को पकड के चलने का मज़ा ही कुछ और है।
वो निकलते है किनारों से बच के अक्सर , कोई दिखाए उन्हें
तेरी गहराईयों में उतरने का मज़ा ही कुछ और है।

फर्क ...

सीखा था  तुमसे प्यार करने का मतलब ,
साथ होने और साथ देने में  फर्क ,
चलो इस बार किसी और के साथ हो लेते हैं , तुम्हारा साथ फिर कभी दे देंगे .
सिखा था तुमसे हसने , रोने का मतलब ,
ज़िन्दगी बिताने और जीने का फर्क ,
चलो इस बार ज़िन्दगी बीता  लेते है , तुम्हारे साथ ज़िन्दगी फिर कभी जी लेंगे ,
सिखा था तुमसे किसी का हो जाने का मतलब
रास्तों पे चलने और बढ़ने का फर्क  ,
चलो इस बार चलते है ज़िन्दगी से प्यार फिर कभी कर लेंगे।।।

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Baba...

The emptiness in my life is still in a silent void , though i took several steps forward since you left me alone but i still i walk down the memory lane. I miss the time spent with you , the times when u understood my silence, the times when you ignored my anger, the memories , the useless laughter and the serious discussion. I miss them all...I MISS YOU Baba... HAPPY BIRTHDAY...stay with me always...M alone without u...

I Know You Are Still Watching Me And Blessing Us from The Heaven .....Miss U ...Keep Blessing Us....

Being Blessed...Being Different...Being In Love...

sometimes in life when you are alone in a crowd of millions.  when your voice is always unheard and thoughts are always misunderstood. when all your smile are replaced by tears.when you fall and lose all your strength to stand again. A hand comes up to hold you , an ear to listen and understand you , to wipe your tears and tickle you till you burst out into laughter. A person who cares only for your happiness more than his. the time when you start living a cheerful life. when the world starts looking newer and lovely. The time you always feel being blessed ...the feeling of being in love makes you different from others.

Me against Myself .... !!!!!

its been so long that i have pen downed my feeling.What it can be ? is it that i am being a little lazy or something else. actually don't have any thing to write. No feelings no inspirations. i had kept all my hobbies into a cold box. i locked it myself and now the key to it is lost. i am so confused. so puzzled up. i don't know which way to go. no one is stopping me. no one is saying me anything. everyone is standing beside me , with me. I am just Paying the cost of being a girl , being a daughter. It just that i am standing against myself !!!!

“Who Am I”

After 25 years, 10 months and 8 days from my birth, even after having different names and myriad Identity. My heart raised a question. Who Am I? Am I a girl with unique fingerprints, DNA structure and unique eyes? Or am I just a metaphor of society. On the journey called, life. I have experienced almost all eleven types of primary emotions. But at this hour of my existence the question resonated within me from head to toe.

It is a small question actually of 8 characters including the spaces between the words. But the distance between me and the answer to this question swims in a silent void.

Am I an exception or every creature especially girl has to undergo this situation? Does everyone live or only I had lived my life in installments? Initially I was an infant , then a baby girl , a daughter , a granddaughter , a sister ,or a scientifically proven genetically developed homo sapien ?

Perhaps every 2^nd human in this world asks this question to themselves when they are going through their blues. But I am sure no one gets the answer.

What is my identity is it my name printed on my high school certificate, or the permanent account number allotted by the government or it is related to the professional growth of my career? If these are the parameters for defining one’s identity, I have them all. Then why does this question arise in the confined space of rationality?

I compared myself with other the similar species around. I too can hear , see , touch , smell , taste laugh, and cry. I find no difference between them and I, Then, again, why does this question arise, “Who Am I”

यादें .... याद आती हैं ....

राह तकी थी इस रस्ते पे चलने की कबसे

मंजिल को पाने की जिद्द थी पहले सबसे

बड़े उत्सुक थे उम्र के इस पड़ाव को पाने को

इस कॉरपोरेट की भीड़ में खो जाने को

ना जाने क्यों मन में आज एक बात आती है

वक़्त यही रुक जाये ऐसी उम्मीद बंध जाती है

उन बीते पालो की याद से अब तो आँखे भर आती हैं

कहा करती थी ये ज़िन्दगी के सबसे मुश्किल साल है स्कूल के

अब तो वो साल परियो की कहानियो की याद दिला जाती हैं

सोचती हूँ वो खेलते दिन वो जागती रातें कहा गई

अब तो कुछ खामोश बातें , कुछ बोलती यादें रह गई

अब मुझसे अपने होमेवोर्क कौन करवाएगा ?

अब बगल के खेत से गन्ने तोड़ के कौन लायेगा?

हर रोज़ सुबह अब मेरे नाश्ते में पराठे कौन खिलायेगा

कौन मेरे बैग में रखे chocolate अब चुरा के खायेगा

कौन अब प्यार से timon कह के बुलाएगा

कौन अब "चुप कर उल्लू" कहके मेरी ही बात मुझे समझेगा

कब हम अपने स्कूल बस की हवा निकालेंगे

कब बारिश में भी फूट बाल और वोल्ली बाल खेलेंगे ?

अब teachers के अलग अलग नाम कब रख पाएंगे

अब दूर तक अपनी सएकिल से कब जायेंगे

उमर के जिस मोड़ पे हम खड़े है

जाने किन किन मुश्किलों से लड़े है

अपनी अपनी ऑफिस में सब बड़े होंगे

पर फेल होने पे भी तिस मार होने का एहसास कौन दिलाएगा

कौन अब छोटे बाल कटाने पे बंदरिया कह के चिड़ायेगा

कौन हर साल राखी पे अगले साल कार दिलाने के सपने दिखायेगा

उन दिनों कितनी जल्दी में बड़ा होना था

बड़े हो कर प्यार के एहसास भी करना था

अब यहाँ आकर अक्सर ये सोचती हूँ

की इन् टूटे दिलो से अच्छा तो अपना वो फूटा घुटना होता था

काश वो दिन कही से लौट आते

फिर से वो ही दोस्त कही से मिल जाते

पर अब तो सब अपने अपने कामो में व्यस्त है

इसी लिए किसी को ढून्ढ पाना मुमकिन नही

बस यही सोच के उन यादो में उन सरे दोस्तों को और हसने रोने के बहाने ढून्ढ लेती हूँ